I recently wrote a short story called MISTAKE. It is part of a BDSM anthology called Master of Mine. Of course my brain is always cranking, *Smiles,* so I got to thinking a little more deeply about the subject of BDSM. Yeah, yeah… I know what you are thinking, but I do have some deep thoughts from time to time, *Wink.* So I said, “London, you need to talk to somebody who really knows about BDSM.” Therefore, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Lord Dragoncat, who is my guest today. He has graciously agreed to let me pick his brain about being a Dom in the BDSM community.
What is BDSM? Well, the standard definition of BDSM is a practice and expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role-play. BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S ), and sadism and masochism (S&M ).
A Dom or Dominant is the person given control, the Sub or Submissive is the person giving up control, and a Switch is a person who switches between the roles.
Now that I have the standard, boring definitions out of the way, let’s talk to Lord Dragoncat who lives the lifestyle. And it is a lifestyle, not just a hobby or a persona you throw on and take off, right?
*Smiles* Yes it is a lifestyle, and has many different meanings to different groups.
I think many people, when they hear BDSM, think of a leather dude wielding a paddle and spanking a buxom blond’s bare bottom while she gives him a blow job. While that’s a hot visual, I’m sure it is much more than leather, spankings, and blow jobs. I would imagine it takes quite a bit of trust on the part of the sub, trust that would be built over time. Is this the case, and if so, how do you go about building that trust?
While these are some things one would see in a web site, there is a lot more to it than that, yes. Trust is something earned and not just on one side, but on both. It is built on open communication, honesty, and knowledge, lots of it.
Let’s talk about being a DOM. Did you study under someone, another DOM?
Yes I did, I spent 3 years studying with another Dom, and his house hold.
So how many years do you have in the lifestyle?
22 this year.
Besides trust, I would also imagine it is important you are not inadvertently pushing someone too far. How do ensure that you don’t go too far, ensure safety?
I use safe words and signals. One of the best ones for me is Merp. It can be understood even when gagged. I also spend time getting to know the submissive, I use a check list to get an idea of their likes, dislikes, and areas that they would want to explore. Knowing basic biology also helps if you’re going to be into rope working.
Is it always about sexual gratification or do other factors come into play?
Surprisingly it is not, there are a number of sides to the roles of Dominate and submissive. The sexual sides, the domestic nature, the freedom of someone else in control, and even the comfort of knowing that you are safe with your partner.
Can you explain the concept of a collar?
Humm… A collar can mean a few things, a sign of submissiveness, surrender, protection, training. In fact it can vary from one person to the next.
What are some of your favorite tools of the trade?
*Smiles* Do we have enough room here for a list? How about a few of favorites. Rope, Ball & Gag, Paddles, Riding crop, Bondage tape.
Psychology, and the Net (it gives you so much to find and learn, not to mention contact with other groups).
Is there anything you would like to talk about? Things you think is important for people to know?
The lifestyle is not for everyone, though as with any group of people, if you’re going to get into it, you really need to learn about everything you can, learn to listen to your gut and instincts, do not just jump into it. There are a lot of great people, but there are a lot of poachers, Fakers, Liar’s, and sadly wanna be's. The last three are a danger not only to themselves but to others. The first one is more of someone who will do what they can to take you away from someone else whom you already have a bond with. This is not just Dom’s out there but also submissive's.
Know your local laws, and how they apply to you and others. If you’re in a chat or just met someone, remember you do not want someone who starts out with demanding things of you before anything has been agreed upon. Spend the time to get to know them (on both side, if you’re a Dom new to the lifestyle, get to know the future sub, and vice versa.)
Read up on the subject. If you can, find links with information that is not a porn site. Read books, attend Munches, ask questions. Take classes. We are out there, and willing to answer you. "S&M 101" and "Screw The Roses, Give Me The Thorns."
When you find someone or someone’s, do not be afraid to ask. Learn from the mistakes others have already made, as well as your own, and yes we all have made them and will. But we learn, grow, and some even teach.
I want to thank you, Lord Dragoncat, for letting me pick your brain… *Smiles* and for being so open and honest about a subject which many people are misinformed about. Stop by and see me again sometime, I’m sure my writer’s brain will have more questions.
I will be giving away a fee e-book copy of Master of Mine. All you have to do is follow my blog and leave a comment or ask a question in the comment box for this interview. One person will be chosen at random for the give away.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Things you might not know about BDSM... I will be doing an interview on my blog with Lord Dragoncat and picking his brain about being a Dom in the BDSM community. Come check out my blog and the interview this Wednesday, June 29th. I will be giving away a free e-book of Master of Mine...